I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
