My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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