Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
