Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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