forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
