So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
