i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
