david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
