at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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