Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
