remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
