i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We have started to decorate penises.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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