The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
