the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
