I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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