Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
