Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
