I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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