I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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