I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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