So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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