it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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