got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
