You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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