dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize