clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize