I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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