I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
