you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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