I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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