My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
