How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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