i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
