we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
