you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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