We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
