I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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