eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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