What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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