Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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