I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize