I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
