I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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