I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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