I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
His nipple licking is glorious
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