She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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