I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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