I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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