I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
