Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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