OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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