I am in a vortex of obligation.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
