Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
