I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
