On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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