I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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