I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize