a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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