the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
