dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
