I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize