When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
