i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
