Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
